I’ve been sucked into victim status on more than one occasion by this narcissistic process.  As I have shared in the past, I was performance driven for years; which in some ways makes me more of a target.   Abusers love performers.   They quickly friend them by giving them the approval they desire and the process of control begins.  Threads of guilt work their way into the conversation and hurt repeatedly gets blamed on the performer.  Over time, this process takes its toll and devalues the performers and binds  them in lies.  At the root of this dynamic, I found that I was seeking the approval of men rather than God. 

So what do you do if you’re trapped in a toxic relationship like that?

Read 2 Timothy 3:1-9

“But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people. They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone.”

‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭3:1-9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Yes we are sharing the planet with these individuals! When reading this passage we often think of the extreme criminal locked behind bars, but these folks may be with us at home, work, and in the church.  They are those who are quick to bruise us but unwilling to repent. 

STEP 1 – Surround Yourself With A Support Network Sincerely Seeking The Truth – When removing something negative always replace and do not just abandon. Human tendency is to grieve loss, that includes even toxic relationships. We must make no provision for the temptation to return to the old relationship to try to comfort the loss. Invest in the healthy relationships you have or find new ones.  No doubt there may be trust issues (experience talking) caused by the toxic relationship damage, but it’s imperative that you establish a support network to be there through this!  

STEP 2 –  Get Some Distance – Give yourself some space from that relationship.  While it’s been said that absence makes the heart grow fonder, it can also give you perspective on reality.  Sometimes this step seems impossible because of fear of the backlash.  This is where you need to get help from your support network to break free.    

STEP 3 – Infuse Truth –  Part of escaping toxic relationships is seeing the lies for what they really are.  Knowing truth is the key in doing that. Passages like these give no wiggle room and do not condone abuse.  Dig deep in God’s word daily to regain an understanding of who you are, why you are valuable, and the mission you are on. 

STEP 4 – Know You Will Never Change Them – God has the power to do anything and yet He has been referred to as a gentlemen because He comes into the heart where He is invited.  An unrepentant heart has no desire to change.  You could bend over backwards, offer all the grace you have, and the hardened heart will still not see, own, or repent.  Being a Christian does not mean others have a right to abuse you. 
STEP 5 – Seek Out A Qualified Biblical Counselor – Find someone who has Biblical knowledge and experience dealing with these situations to help you walk through healing. It’s beneficial to have someone who can help you take an honest look at your situation at all stages of the process.  Good discernment here is a must.  Find someone who is both trustworthy and wise; who can speak the truth in love and encourage.  They do exist and are worth finding!

STEP 6 – Realize That Forgiveness And Reconciliation Are Not The Same – It is possible for you to forgive someone and yet not reconcile with them.  When a heart is unrepentant, you may chose to forgive but reconciliation simply is not possible.  Pretending there is reconciliation, or assuming forgiveness and reconciliation are the same thing can lead to further abuse. In fact, verse 5 says “have nothing to do with such people”  Over time their lack of repentance becomes obvious to all involved.  Most of the time it already was obvious. Everyone was just too afraid to deal with it. We all love happy endings. Sometimes the happy ending does not include reconciliation.  

STEP 7 – Seek To Help Those Who Have Been Or Are Victims – I’m a firm believer that God keeps His promises and wastes nothing.  He has the power to take even the most horrific events of life and turn them into a powerful testimony that comforts and demonstrates His love and faithfulness while bring Him glory and honor (2 Corinthians 1, Romans 8:28).  This takes time, but ultimately frees us from the “leftover” damage of these experiences when we see them bringing hope to others. 

Reflection

Identify any toxic relationships you have.  Don’t be content with just leaving them that way. 

If you see toxic relationships in others’ lives, pray for them and seek to be that support network they need. 

Prayer

Father, my heart aches for those in the tough place of toxic and abusive relationships.  I pray that You would empower them in Your Spirit and truth to break free.  Equip Your people to come along side them and support them through this process.  May Your love abound extinguishing the lies of the enemy in Jesus’ name, Amen!

As Christians, we are to, “as much as possible live peaceably with all men.”  This demands that we take an inventory of our words and actions and make changes where necessary.  How can we be reconcilers and ambassadors for Christ, when we are letting our mouths go unstrestrained?

My heart breaks for the arrogant and proud heart that doesn’t consider the hearts of others. For one day it will find itself alone and depressed.   Only God can break a heart like this and lead it to repentance. 

Reflection

In what ways have your words hurt others?

Confess your wrongdoings to those who you have hurt.  Make sure to hit all the parts. 

“I was wrong for…”

“I’m sorry for…”

“Can you please forgive me?”

“I will do my best not to do it again”

Make restitution

Prayer

Father, for with our tongues we bless and curse; it ought not to be this way.  Help us to use our words to build up your people and encourage them.  Humble us and teach us to own our mistakes.  Let us seek to make peace in word and deed, in the name of Christ, Amen!

God’s word is clear that instead of coming down harshly using God’s word as a justifying hammer, we are to respond with gentleness. If you’re mind is already saying “but…” like mine was, go back and read the passage again. This time maybe you also caught the word patient. So we have to be patient and gentle?  That’s not fair!  Your right it’s not fair, it’s mercy!

Have you ever considered that our acts of mercy have the power to point to the ultimate act of mercy at the cross?   That perhaps what is needed in the situation is a patient, loving explanation?  As I write these words, my heart is pierced itself, knowing I need more Jesus in this area. 

Logically speaking, your not going to win a battle of words with a bully or a slanderer.  But love has the power to make the mouth stop long enough for the heart to listen.  Our end goal isn’t to be in control, be right, or be a better wordsmith.  Our desire should be that God would grant repentance and lead them to the truth about Jesus Christ and His finished work at the cross.  We must love them in spite of our shortcomings and reactions to the words c?oming out of their mouths.  We must love them as God does!

#truthtalk4life #knowlivespeaktruthinlove

Make sure to share this in every avenue you have today with the hash tags above. Someone you know may need to hear it.  Blessings to you!   Follow me on Twitter,Facebook,and Instagram.  

@brianfriedl